A few weeks ago I had taken the kids to the doctors office for Emmett’s annual check up. As the doctor starts the exam, Emmett begins crying because he’s scared. Then simultaneously Hayden starts covering her ears and singing loudly to calm herself down. It was a very typical chaotic visit having both of them with me. However, I was completely not phased by it all.
At the end of the visit, the doctor was being so intentional and kind by telling me how she didn’t know how I did it all. She wanted to let me know that I was doing a great job and even hugged me. As she did, my joy started fading. I suddenly began feeling so much pity for myself and situation. I thought to myself, "She is right. This is hard and it's not fair."
On my drive home I started asking the Lord, "Why am I feeling this way?"
Then He took me back to the memory of the first time I had ever told myself, "It's just not fair that it has to be this hard."
It was the day the school district told me that they would offer Hayden services under an Autism diagnosis. Up until that point, we had been in heavy denial. It had been passingly mentioned but we couldn't bear the thought of it actually being true.
The Lord showed me how my role as a mother fractured that day in my heart. It was the day that I had to not only be a mother, but I had to step into a caregiver role for both of my children. I could remember being in the living room and coming to grips regarding the responsibility to help both my children attain basic life needs. The caregiver role felt heavy and in it there was complete lack of control on my part as I thought, "It's just not fair that it has to be this hard." As I continued to process this moment with the Lord, He began to intertwine the fractured parts back together. As if it was a braid that was being repaired and rewoven. He said, "the motherly role in your heart represents joy, however, the caregiver role that I invited you into represents the opportunity to experience My faithfulness." I started to remember how in this journey that the more I surrender and acknowledged my lack of control; the more He stepped in to provide for my children and our family. The caregiver role was never meant to be a burden. It was never meant to be a role that is pitied. Rather, it was meant to be an invitation to know the One who carries our burdens for us. It was meant to be a place where we lay down our strength and find His. My peace and joy started to come back as the Lord extended compassion towards those who extend pity towards our family. Our family has accepted the invitation from the Lord to know Him and to walk under His provision. He does not leave us lacking nor wanting. Rather He fills my heart with compassion to break towards those who lack understanding of the depths of His faithfulness which are found amidst the unwanted roles of this world.
Dear Friends, let God weave together your fractured heart today and pick up your invitation to know the depths of His faithfulness. "John answered them, "A person cannot recieve even one thing unless God bestows it." John 3:27 TPT
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