Happy One Year Heartversary to the Bravest little boy I know. ♥️
One year ago today, I walked through the Pslams 23 valley and handed my beautiful boy over to have his heart fully healed.
I believe in miracles. I’ve experienced the Sovereign Power of God. So the week prior to Emmett’s surgery, before his preop echo, we called the Elders to come lay hands and pray for complete miraculous healing.
The pre-op echo showed that the hole had shrunk drastically and the deficit rim was measuring adequately for the first time ever. My heart sunk when the cardiologist called and said he still felt like this was the best route to go for Emmett long term.
I remember crying and asking the Lord why He would show me His glory and still ask me to walk this path. Why He wouldn’t just give us the miracle.
But then I saw Jesus.
He was holding Emmett in His arms and extending His hand to me as we stood outside the Psalms 23 valley. I knew instantly that He would be coming with us; walking by my side and carrying Emmett the whole way through it. As my heart still hurt from not understanding why this path; I’ll never forget Him saying, “My healing displayed doesn’t outweigh the glory which is to be revealed. You’re going to show others where I am who don’t see Me in this valley.”
It was such a powerful moment that I felt His peace and knew that if He was coming with us then everything was going to be okay.
You see, even through the most traumatic experiences, Jesus' promises to never leave us. He is always present. Let's take a look at these verses which He gives us these promises.
"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”
Matthew 28:20
"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
Isaiah 41:10
"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.”
Deuteronomy 31:6
If We press in to find Him; we will see that He is always present.
One thing that I struggled with after Emmett's open heart surgery was PTSD. Before and during the surgery, I prayed and asked to see where Jesus was, what He was doing, and how He was protecting my son. I saw Him holding Emmett in the operating room. I saw Him sending angels to surround and protect him during the surgery. I focused on all of these promises during the entirety of the operation while simultaneously praying and listening to worship music.
However, I never asked Him during this time where He was with me. I ended up struggling to go back to work in the same hospital where Emmett had his procedure done. Everytime I was working, I would get massive triggers and emotions that would arise from overwhelming grief. This happened when I would pass the elevator my husband and I both took in silence after handing our son over. I would feel overwhelming grief as I passed by the large open waiting room and see the chairs we waited hours in while our son was in the same building having his whole upper chest cavity opened.
I ended up struggling with this for a few months before I went to a healing retreat at our church. Before we started, they asked us to write down what we wanted to be healed from. I wrote down that I wanted free from this PTSD I was experiencing. I knew Jesus could heal me. We got to the step in healing where we asked Jesus to bring to us a memory that He wanted to heal. He immediately brought me back to the day of Emmett's open heart surgery.
First, He showed me that there were lies holding me in bondage of this pain in this memory. I was trapped in shame over feeling any other type of way but stoic walking through this surgery. I was heavily believing the lie that, "it could be worse," so I'm not allowed to feel this grief. I walked through the whole thing with a stoic mindset of a nurse and not as a parent. After this was revealed, I immediately released grief at Jesus' feet. There's an amazing door that opens when we mourn at His feet. He always shows up as the comforter.
"Blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted." Matthew 5:4
Jesus then took me to the memory of us in the waiting room. He showed me how He was with me and my husband. He then took me to the elevator and showed how He was with us in the silence.
It might seem simple but it was so powerful because not only do you see Jesus in painful memories but His presence takes up the whole memory. The pain dissolves and His presence is encompassing. The joy of seeing Him with us.
Do you have painful memories?
I encourage you to close your eyes and simply ask Jesus to bring you a memory that He would like to reveal Himself in. Ask Him where He was and what He was doing. Ask Him if there are any lies associated with the painful memory that He would like to bring His truth into.
He is truly Immanuel, God with us.